Flea Market Love Letters
June 17, 1943.
Updated: Jul 14, 2021
I guess there’s doubt I OWE YOU A LETTER all right, so here goes for a good LO-O-O-NG ONE! And speaking of letters reminds me of the wife who phoned her husband at the office to say that a letter had come marked “Private and Personal” Is that so, dear? Said the man. “Well, what did it say?” No doubt it was the same man who was beside me at the stationery counter in a store the other day. The clerk said “Would you be interested in a good-looking letter-opener, sir?” The man just smiled and said “Thanks, I don’t need one -- I’m MARRIED.”
But I suppose you’re anxious to hear all the latest gossip. Well, Minne Wickens just broke her engagement to Fred Snazzlegrass and is Fred burned up! She mailed back the ENGAGEMENT RING with a label on the package reading: “Glass - HANDLE WITH CARE!”
Old Uncle Hiram Waffleboom passed away recently. The last thing he said to his wife was Lizzie after the funeral I wish you’d marry Deacon Ourik.” “Why so, Hiram,” she asked him. “Well,” he said “the deacon trimmed me on a HORSE TRADE, once.”
And lets see Ezra Appleby fell of the roof of his house while he was shingling it the other day, and BROKE HIS LEG. His wife sure felt AWFUL about it, too. He landed right in the middle of her favorite bed of PETUNIAS.
I understand Frank Auttersmith is having quite a time with his new wife, by the way. She’s so EXTRAVAGANT he finally had to tell her she’d simply have to do something to HOLD DOWN THE BILLS and bless her soul is she didn’t! Yes she went out right away and bought a bunch of PAPERWEIGHTS. And that reminds me that Hannibal Smooth LEFT HIS WIFE the day his latest INCOME TAX INSTALLMENT was due. He said he’d come to the conclusion he couldn’t support the GOVERNMENT and a WIFE ON ONE SALARY.
Oh, say have you heard about Marzie Mugwump being a witness in the Budd vs. Blossom trial? The judge told her to TAKE THE CHAIR and quick as a flash Marzie came back, “What for, Judge? I got plenty of furniture already.”
Incidentally they finally got the guy who STOLE THE PIANO out of Plunkett’s General STore. Poor guy he says he only did it in a moment of WEAKNESS. Have I told you that Susan Spuggotts DACHSHUND died? Sue says it was a very unusual accident, too. The dog MET HIS END WHILE GOING AROUND A TREE. And while I’m thinking of it, I was over at CLem Whistlebottom’s house the other day and he was fighting with his wife as usual. When I Saw him on the street the next day, I said “Honest to gosh, Clem, when you and your wife get fighting it’s the FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW.” “Isn’t it tho!” he said “And when she threw the AX at me, after you left, I really THOUGHT I’D SPLIT!”
Well I reckon that’s about all the news from THIS neck of the woods. How’s everything with YOU?
AND SO LONG FOR NOW!
Miss you, hon. All my Love + yours forever.