September 30, 1942.
This time I really am sunk as far as words are concerned. But still I have so much to say I don’t know where to begin. I suppose you would like it better if I never started.
Betty, it isn’t that I think of myself as half worthy of you, because I know I am not. I guess it is because I think you too perfect for anyone who lives upon the land or upon the sea. Thinking that I feel justified in casting my lot against the others. I thrill to the thought of winning and condemn myself the thought of losing. I have already prayed for the power which I need to carry me through these days of heartbreaking anguish and the thought of your decision which keeps racing through my mind. Darling, I know that you to have had some very trying times. Believe me Darling, I wouldn’t have had that for anything in the world. I know now what I must have done to you. I can expect nothing but cruel everlasting punishment for it and it seems that I am getting very much of it at the present time. Darling, I didn’t want you to suffer if you have, and if you have if you ever loved me – I left because I loved you so terribly that I was blinded with the thought of making you proud that you loved me. I wanted you to hold up your head high and say “He’s my guy.” I was building castles into the air my Darling, castles for you and I to enjoy and live happily in forever.
I could see us ten years from today, even twenty and fifty years from today still admiring and thrilling a the thought of still, still another day in which to see and feel and love each other. To pour out our hearts for each other.
I can’t blame you for doubting my love for you at certain times. I was a heel and I know it. I knew it every time it happened. I would swear at myself on the way home. I guess while god gave you the angle, somebody else gave me the red hot poker. Betty I know now what an idiot I was (Honey, turn this sheet over, I am all mixed up – this is the ninth sheet of paper I’ve got spread out all around me)
God had given me the most precious thing on earth when he brought us together. I always liked to think that he took his –
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– most beloved angel and placed her deep down in your heart and soul and said “You shall remain here in this beautiful creatures body and guide her soul to eternal happiness and her heart to everlasting love to the man she now loves, Amen”.
Maybe that is why I trust you so completely when you said “Yes, Henry, I’ll be waiting.” You did say that, you know! Yes, It was that which gave me most of my courage and desire to get ahead. I thought it was that angels voice, carrying out its orders for God and for me. Darling,you seemed to have lost that engel when you were sick that time and failed to write to me for two weeks. When you did start writing again, you were so different, I can’t remember whether I told you so or not, you see, I’ve written you a letter most every day, I knew you didn’t like to receive them and some were kinda screwy anyway so I guess most of them never reached the mailbox. Some time I think I repeat myself in every letter.
When I stop to think of the love I would gladly die to hold, you love - -I hate myself for ever dreaming that such a thing can be, I hate myself for ever thinking of wealth which seemed so absolutely necessary at the time.
Now I have lost you, your love, your everything and in loosing all that I loose the rest, my desires, my love for life and happiness. I would welcome death now, yes – it doesn’t make me shudder now as it did when I thought you were in love with me. I think I can safely say – only twenty years, but I have lived and died.
Betty, I still want you now more than anything else on earth. What shall I do? What shall I do?
Please write to me one more at this address Darling.
For ever yours, Henry
Please Darling read it over again. Can I seal a kiss?