Thursday
Stell dear –
This is my evening off. That is it was supposed to be devoted to you. However the best of plans go amiss. Charley came into the office just as I was locking up the broom and placing the waste baskets in order, and he very pleasantly invited me to take him up to the “y” for a swim. At first I refused, as I did so want to spend the whole evening with you, but after I looked at the back of his neck I thought that treating him to a dip in the pool would be a step for the benefit of the community. – To put it briefly, we swam! It was very pleasant, but as usual my dear roomie had to get playful and fill one of my eyes with water, and as a result I am forced to write guided by only one eye. Now you have the whole sad tale.
Stellhoney, our office is a jinx when it comes to dispensing health and good cheer. One of the bookkeepers left today to enjoy a six months leave of absence and an attack of nervous prostration. I was informed that I have some more work to do tomorrow. In addition to my Columbus job and my regular stuff I shall surely have my hands full. I don’t mind the work, but it is making me very irritable as I no sooner get started on one thing than someone interrupts me. I was all on edge this afternoon and I had the pleasant experience of using a few words found in the New Testament. The recipient of the compliment was a very pert and particular old maid who is supposed to work in our coop. She was shocked, and I was greatly relieved – and then very much ashamed. Really, dear, I never feel as small as I do when I let other people know that I have loose control of my temper. –
I really feel badly about it, and I want to confide in my girl. You are mine alone, aren’t you, Stell?
You know, dear, one of the reasons that I feel that I must always love you, – is that when I am with you – even in this small way – I feel perfectly content and sheltered. You radiate love and sympathy, and with you as a confident and loving helper no task could be impossible to accomplish. Estelle, I know that I am not the only man who has ever told you that, but my dearest, – no man has ever felt it as deeply as I. The only way I can express how much you mean to me – is that when you are gone the part of life worth the living will have gone with you.
I have been trying to puzzle out why you say that I shall not permit out being as close after you return as I have in our letters. We have written frankly, dear, – and we have shown each other a great deal of ourselves that could only be revealed to a loved one. Such things as we have told each other come from the deeper impulses of the soul. No person who is honest with themselves could permit their brain alone to compose such thoughts. Unless they came from a deeper source, – an instinctive source – why then we would not dare to write them. I do not tell you that I love you and that I want you, just because I have sat down and thought the matter over from all points of view and decided in a perfectly logical way that I love you. My dear, that is not the way of nature. Something within me responded to you. What I thought did not matter, so I did not waste time thinking. I was in love with you, – I felt lost with out you, – I wanted you, – and if it had not been for the man made walls I would have taken you. That is what happened within me, why do you say that your being here will make me act more coldly towards you? It is true that I shall not be with you all the time, but dear, it will be because I know that it is not the wisest thing. Is it coldness that prompts me to think of only you? Don’t you think that when I love you honestly and deeply that I want you with me all the time?
I do see your point to some extent. You know that I am very sensitive. I often feel things that exist only in my imagination at times when I feel hurt or in the way I do retreat into my shell, but, dear it is only to brood over the matter and to think of a way out. Were you to do the same and become cold, I should feel that you meant it all, and I am afraid that I would truly feel that someone else had filled my place and that for your happiness I should best retire to love you from a distance. But then I probably would be entirely human and rage and storm and perhaps show you how entirely unworthy I could be. No, Stell, I don’t expect to be cold when you return. I can’t offer much, that you know, but what I can offer shall be given you with all the warmth of my nature.
Am sorry that I mentioned about the delay in the mail deliveries, for now I realize that you did write and think of me. You know, dear I am sometimes very tired and irritable when I come home, and I look to your letter to greet and bring me peace of mind – as I hope some day your own dear self will do. When I find no letter I become grumpy, and my letters betray my mood. I try not to be selfish but I do hate to share you with others. Do overlook my unreasonableness at times, for I always feel repentant when I read your dear letters.
Your picture is in my watch and a real pal. I shall try to get my map to you by Monday.
Leon
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